It’s been a very long time since I’ve gotten the chance to sit down and write freely, like I love to do. People have a few basic needs to survive, things that they crave, and must do to live. I was given one extra. We need to sleep, eat, exercise, etc., but I always feel the need to write. It is an urge I have frequently, a healthy release, that lately I’ve had to suppress because I’ve been so busy.
I find myself starving to write all of the time, mostly when it’s inconvenient. Sometimes when I’m at the bar with friends, I think, “I can’t wait to go home and write about what I’m feeling later.” By the time that I do get home, I usually am ready for bed, and forget.
Lately, something I’ve really been struggling with is binge-eating. I feel very out of control when I eat. People laugh when I say this, because I’m “tiny,” but it’s safe to say that the freshman fifteen has cursed me two-fold.
I’m currently in a strong love-hate relationship with my body. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, “You are so fat, it’s embarrassing how little self-control you have.” Other times I see myself and think “Curves rule! Go thick girls!” It really depends on the day. It is uncomfortable to feel so not yourself in your own skin. I made strides in college and had lost a ton of weight, and then gained it back, always.
After my surgery in July, I really thought I’d have the chance to start over because I had lost so much weight from not eating and being in bed for two weeks straight. The surgery was such a humbling experience. I could have capitalized on that weight loss and started over then.
But I made excuses.
I always do. “The doctor said not to lift or do physical activity for two months.” Well, two months turned into four and four turned into eight. And then I was just milking this excuse and playing it safe. I am ashamed at my lack of ability to move. Last semester, I struggled with depression and lack of drive.
I had four jobs on campus, and when I wasn’t in class or doing one of those jobs, I was in bed, sleeping. I found little purpose in my life and little worth in myself. I was hoping for some medical explanation for why I felt this way, because that’s so much easier than blaming yourself. When I got my blood work results back, they just said that I had low vitamin D levels, and that can mimic depression symptoms. They also told me to take a multivitamin and I would be good. To my surprise, this helped me a lot! But I still fall into my old ways.
I will start working for a new company in June, where everyone there is beautiful and a size 2. I know that if I keep this up and ignore the elephant in the room, I will quite literally become one. Writing and positive self-talk seems to be the most healing and helpful step for me, so thank you so much for reading this far!
I am hoping that writing this openly is the first step to change, but I’ll let you know.
lauren welkie 